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Life of Gender Confusion

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2015.04.29  22.36
I'm still here...

Yes I am still here 😊
Ok an update on my status in life...
The world is being a dingus at the moment, people expressing hate at the news of one persons cry for freedom to be themselves in the public eye. Government upholding it's laws made to protect the people to the cries of injustice from others.
Permit me to lay out this rant without reason and rhyme (because I leave music to the experts) ...
I have a passport with my correct gender listed even though I am pre-op. My name has been legal for almost two years (August will be two years), these two little things to most are part of everyday life but to someone like me it's another piece in the road to normality. I can travel internationally without having to explain why I'm wearing a dress.
Recently I read news of a transgender woman who committed suicide by driving her car into a tree, sad news but at the time I had no idea who it was until a week later when a Facebook post mentioned a burial of a lady I knew years ago but as the world revolved we lost contact. News of her death had an effect on me that I wasn't ready for, I cried.
This made me think of my own status and short falls. Here is a quick list:
I haven't had a date in 10 years
It's now impossible for me to have / create children
Diabetus has been diagnosed (diabetes)
People say I need to get 'laid' but what they don't understand is the level of difficulty it is for someone like me to meet or even interact without the use of training wheels or much much laughter as a mutual exploration of 'what works' takes place.

On the upside I'm happy to saw my long term best friend is still there 😊 without her I wouldn't be dressing how I do (trust me when I say 'hobo chic' is a bad look). She's a great mentor, muse and friend.
The other happy is I have held a job now for seven years in a row!

Ok enough of a update as I am doing this update by phone and one finger typing is time consuming ... Guess which finger ... 😊


  2014.07.01  21.04
Happy update post...

What began as a muscle cramp at work ended with a trip to the emergency room of the local hospital. I was diagnosed a few years ago now with a blood clotting disorder, sucks yes but I am taking medication to prevent this from happening.
The muscle cramp that I suffered at work lasted about 45 minutes, when I finally got home the cramp came back. This time the cramp wouldn't go away, the pain was like a super onset of fatigue in the knee joint, painful yes. I called a hotline that can asses medical problems, described the issue I was having and the advice they gave me was to get my ass to emergency department because they couldn't determine if my blood was clotting or if my levels of other vital stuff was low and causing this pain.
Upon arrival to emergency and a few messages to my best friend to let her know I was ok (terrified at the prospect of a blood clot, but ok) I began the long process of detailing who I was and the reason for my being there. In the past all I had to do was let them know I was on blood thinners and maybe throw up in front of the triage nurse and boom i'm in. This time I had to wait as my breathing was ok and the pain was considered non life threatening. I gave them my details and a description of all the medication I was taking (and for what reason), my next wait was for a Registrar so they could determine who I was and if I had been in Hospital prior so this visit could be added to the previous records. While waiting a gentleman arrived and with no visible injuries did the whole triage thing then sat down, someone else that I happen to know was there also and they overheard him mention that he had an object stuck in a "Private" place. Now I know that it doesn't take a bright person to know that "Private place" can only mean one of two places on a male, and neither is designed for insertion of objects. I will leave it up to the reader to guess where the shampoo bottle must be hiding.
Back to me now. The registrar called out and I was wondering if she had meant me or not, so I went up anyway and confirmed she had meant me just she read my name wrong. Oh boy was she in for a surprise.
During the process of looking up for my past record, she asked if my previous address was "......" and I confirmed that I had never lived at that address, so the fun began. I had to swallow my shame and reveal the previous name and explain what the deal was. All I can say is she was the best, she asked questions and respected who I was and tried to help best she could. When it came to asking about the past she whispered so that others wouldn't hear, and upon producing a Medicare card and Drivers Licence my record was updated on the spot. She even mentioned getting in trouble with her boss but said "tuff" because I had documents to back up my identity, and if asked I could of produced the change of name certificate from last year.
The rest of the evening was spent waiting, I guess that's why it's called a "Waiting Room". I guess the message was passed on to the nursing staff and the Doctor because they referred to me as she the whole evening, I was even called a "Hussy" by the cheeky nurse who first took care of me because my shoulder was showing (t-shirt I had on was oversized and the neckline exposes a shoulder now and then). Gawd that nurse was awesome fun right up until she "STABBED" me with two needles of clexane (blood thinner injected into the stomach area). Ok I still like her.

It's been almost 12 months since I corrected the whole birth name issue and come to think of it I probably only have a few places that don't know of the correction, surprise to them when they find out.
I can say that the outcome of the event was all clear for blood clots, INR was low hence the injections. Further treatment to be done by local GP.
The best part was being called the right gender without hassle. WIN!


  2014.04.14  15.36
Going to my second home.

I know I'm the the best at updating this but in my defence you are worse at commenting :)

I'm writing again to keep this going, update myself as to where I am in life. I can say that not much has changed since the last post.
I'm still hormonal, I still live in a tin box, and still work in the same place.
Money isn't the easiest thing to get /keep but now I have a reason to save. That reason is going to my second home.
My second home isn't one I own or rent, my second home is where ever my best friend resides (this time she just happens reside on the other side of the country). In a few days I will be jumping (casually walking) onto a big ol jet plane (modern 737) to head to the opposite coast to spend 10 days away from the stresses of here.
I swear if my flight gets hijacked, bitches better be ready for a tall transsexual bezerker . :)

My current mood is trying to avoid shit.


  2013.08.06  21.27
Holy ship it's been a while ...

1st let me get this off my chest.

I'm sorry that I challenge typical gender stereo types,
I'm sorry that you possibly feel uncomfortable showing me a basic courtesy,
I'm sorry that my vocal range doesn't identify me,
I'm not sorry how ever for trying to be a person,
It's your problem not mine,

Now we return to the regular show...

The people i interact with on a daily basis are wonderful in a way that they see past the rough exterior and treat me as the person I am, but a visitor from another place decided to go the other way and be openly a pain. This person knows about me from others and and the people around me but still said the wrong thing when referring to me. My plan seems to be this ... "TELL HER TO FRACK OFF!". Well not really, truth be told she is only here for a short time and not a long time.

I know I don't write as often as I could but since not many people comment on my writing I don't feel as bad not updating, to be honest my life is still in gender limbo. Need major cash injection, need help in some departments also and need some self confidence back.

On a down note my best friend of 14 years is opening a new chapter in her life, just no longer in Perth. She moved to the other side of the country to begin new, chase new dreams, and new love, I am going for a visit soon. I do miss her heaps and my only hope is not to break down in tears when I see her for the first time in 8 months. Stupid tears rolling down as I write this, wait ... lower lip doing it's ..

Tissue... Bedroom ...Stat!


  2012.10.17  00.41
Outta hormones blues....

I have run out of all the medications that I take to transition. This means the hormones that allow me to feel like a human will slowly drop and madness takes control, I remember ... Doing the time warp, drin.... Err oops.
My transition isn't going to plan, it's been about seven years now, and the only positive changes that have been made are, job where they call me Lina and breast development (could be bigger me feels). My weight is still an issue, I still feel that if I was thinner appearing feminine without Makeup would be easier. Yeah I am in a position where I get judged to be male or female depending on clothes alone. Yes I am tall, I can accept I'm over weight also, but do people have to call me "Sir"!!!

I have noticed, in a clothing retail store (women's clothing), if I am wearing makeup I will get served or attention paid to my presence above the polite hello, if I wear no makeup, guys jeans and shoes with a plain grey women's T-shirt, I will be judged to be male and basically treated as a non-purchasing entity in the temple of clothing store. Pretty much the same look a fat chick gets when going to a shop where size 8 is considered huge.
I could be wrong, but I feel I look boyish in my daily work wear. I like makeup and such but find I to be impractical where I work. Once I tried to work in the lab with makeup on only to find the majority of it gracing a paper towel when removing sweat from my face, kind of looked like the shroud of Turin!
My weekly expenses stope from being able to afford what I need, and I am discovering a lack of self confidence is holding me back from other achievements.
I recently watched a show called "My Transsexual Summer", a show where 7 transgender individuals share a house for a number of weekends over the summer. They either were full o self confidence or drew strength from the others to gain it.
I need me some that magical mojo.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


  2011.10.02  21.49
Transsexual troubles...

It's been about 6+ years since i last dated, I have been looking for answers to the dilemma and so far i have found out that the general population doesn't want to date transsexuals. On some forums their opinion is "no", "hell NO" to "It's freaky". Only a few people said they would but i am willing to bet the ones saying it are either already in a relationship or are to far away to even date. 
The option of becoming post-op and not mentioning my past is also not an option because that would be dishonest.
I have profiles on the local (Australian) dating sites, on another social web site i have bared more than a shy girl would show, and as suggested by people in the past i have joined forums and gone to get social meetings and still i find myself single and dateless. 

The last social event i attended, 3 people asked if i was ok, ... truth was no i wasn't ok, i was lonely, i wanted someone to take interest in me, everyone around me was getting that and i was sitting alone. If you didn't know, you would of seen a female sitting there.
I just feel that there is an aura or sign above my head that screams freak and drives people away. If your wondering what i looked like that night my Deviant Art ID pic is what I looked like that night.

This being single thing is getting really old really fast. People saying i look gorgeous and such isn't making me feel better anymore, i need a woman to come out and mean it. 


  2010.12.08  23.25
End of year approaches...

Well it's almost the end of 2010 and almost time to take stock of things achieved in the past 12 months and set some goals for the next 12 months.
Lets see....
*find a sexual partner ... no
*keep a job ... Check :D
*take another step on the road to transition ... pending
*get car fixed ... check and no (engine fixed, drove for about 2 months then transmission died)
*maintain emotional stability ... HRT (emotional stability comes in small doses)

As a surprise addition i did discover the logistics involved with playing with a male type person. Lets put that one down as a one sided event that confirmed my girl types only and not as a sexual conquest that breaks the now 6 year drought, hell even in a swingers club i managed to skillfully avoid physical contact (ok so not by choice).

I did attend a wedding dressed as a boy that everyone remembers me as :/ {scribbles note to never do that again} I will admit the bride looked beautiful as any good wedding should do. 

I think because it's coming to the end of the year i am getting myself into the mode of self loathing. Wondering if people even want me around for my company or do they just want to know me for my skill set? I had a group of people who would only contact me if they needed something fixed and never for a social visit, a friend of me was always the one they called for that type activity and of course if i went along i was always asked to fix something. I wonder if i have a birthday party again will people that were invited actually show up or make up some excuse (i.e. "oops forgot", "...in yanchep at the moment will be a bit late...") 

Just checked the "Mood:" option and didn't find one that says "spare Tyre in boot of car" it's there but you never really check it unless you need it. 
Oh hormone levels have been increased and we shall see if that makes more of a difference. I did manage to keep out of hospital this year (so far) 


  2010.08.08  23.32
Lost in transition...

If your not up to listening to me moan again please select another page or skip this message.

Ok now that's said, i must mention the reason why. I have posted messages on various forums, dating sites and such asking for advice in the dating arena. Well the fact i am writing one of these type messages is a dead give away to the success of said advice.
Common points mentioned on them were:
*Be yourself - done.
*join forums and post messages - done.
*attend social events, get out into the world - done.
*Dating sites - done with male and female profiles.
*date men - tried once and didn't like it.

Yeah so i'm fresh out of idea's now, and crying myself to sleep isn't flattering either. I refrain from telling people directly/indirectly of my alone status because i don't want to come across as one of those annoying needy people who feed of the comment left by people wanting to give advice. I have seen people with that behavior many times and they seem to just circle, they also don't want to do anything to help them selves. I guess in some ways i do the not bothering to help myself thing because one is always the favorite lack of money, lack of knowledge or just plain ol fear.

I'm wondering if it actually is my cross gender status that keeps people away? I don't look 100% female and as for male well ...yeah that's debatable also. I wonder if i looked more like a Barbie doll would i even be writing this type message? Would my Barbie type message be ones of annoyance at the type of people i attract rather than the lack of?

Sleep ... perchance to dream ...


  2010.07.05  17.43
Having one them ...times.

I know it's a while between my posts, i could say i'm busy out trying to make friends or get me some of that primal action we all seem to crave now and then, truth is i just don't have the energy to socialize much after work and on weekends it's typically have no money to go do things to end up spending the weekends around the house.
Turn away now i'm about to type random shtuff ...

I feel like a failure in life.
I feel like i am always wrong even when i know i'm right.
Can't get even a date with someone due to either being too dumb to notice when someone shows interest, failure to have money to hook up while they still have interest, obviously say the wrong things on my part to drive them away, become an outcast in a small community because i'm over people trying to use my situation against me and over being in bloody gender limbo due to self imposed rules designed to avoid ridicule and harassment.
I need to find someone other than a best friend, someone to experience intimacy with, someone to share warmth with, someone that makes me feel something for a change.

I know i have said all this before, but i have tried and failed before i even get past step 1.

I feel like that to be popular in this world you have to do what all the other kids are doing just so that people will comment on what they see or even ask you to join in.
I feel like people tell me what they think i want to hear, but away from me they say the opposite.
I feel people see me as a costume player, someone who dresses up just to attend parties, what they don't see is the real me F*&#$ng hurting inside because i am so alone and struggling with gender issues that can't be fixed over night.
I take drugs that can make me bleed out, and drugs that can cause a blood clot that can kill me, all so that one day i can finally look in a mirror and see the woman that's been hiding behind a male mask all these years.

I either don't have the social skills to find someone to date a person like me or as is said by many a person "all the good ones are married or gay"...

Mood: cold

  2010.05.25  21.45
25th Meh 2010...

Recently went to my high schools 40th anniversary celebration / reunion, so now should be a good time to mention i went to school as a boy and i attended the reunion as a girl (shocked look). I got to meet up with some old friends and fellow students from my days at high school. To say i was scared would be an understatement, i was terrified! Part of me had images of being singled out and having a barrage of dumb questions / taunts hurled in my direction. Much to my surprise none of that happened and instead i was greeted with smiles and compliments but only from the females, none of the males in my class came up to me. That suited me fine because i couldn't tell you who the heck they were :) One male did come up and say hi to me, only because we had spoken online and over the phone before hand, i did slap him in the arm once for using the "he" identifier in reference to me. During the night ex-circus folk said hi and such and one lady with her husband came up and said hello, turned out she was one i performed with back in the school circus :) .. she even told me she had a crush on me during school ..(BUGGER!!) I must say she was still looking good after all these years. As expected some of the students from my era were showing their age...hehehe.

I guess i should explain the Meh in the subject. It's a no brainer that i have been single since 2004, since then i have dated once, had an oral experience with a male (won't go back down that path) I can say that something is still missing in my life and if what i was told many years ago about transsexuals is still correct, then i have only about 10 years left on average. Why i'm not sure yet so i will have to do more digging into this dilemma. My good friend is the only other one who knows about this possible time limit, and her and i both joke about our time left, only different is ... she is living life freely and is able to attract people to a degree while i am unable to attract anyone or at very least have them actually mention it to me before times runs out or the moment passes.

I have recently found out that there is another classification of sexual identity. Get this .. you have the following: Straight, Gay, Lesbian, BiSexual, PanSexual etc. Pansexual means they are attracted to people of any gender identity, where as gay is only attracted to male, straight is attracted to opposite sex, and pansexual is attracted to ...well people, if it's got a pulse they may be attracted to it. Where do i find me a single one of them?

Last night the feeling of being alone for so long got the better of me, cried myself to sleep. It made my pillow soggy!! bloody hormones.


  2010.04.30  19.54
Bulk update :) (cause i can) ...

I did have intentions to post an update or two before the new year and before my 40th birthday, but as you will read not only did time get away but so did ... ok i kinda put it off for a while.

Post Christmas: I had to go and get FOOD POISONING on Christmas day, or li should say the effects of food poisoning kicked in that evening and i then spent the next 3 days too scared to umm yeah well do anything because .. you know what happens so in the interest of keeping this a bit above board i shall refrain from mentioning anything that contains the words crap and vomit ... oops.
I can say i did have an experience driving 40 minutes home from a friends house (where it began) scared that i would backfire, only to get to about 10 minutes from home and fill a couple shopping bags with a bit of an up 'n under only to discover they have holes. So if you are driving the Tonkin Highway around about guildford rd exit ... yeah.

New years: Whats one place that should make a new years celebration even more exciting? A swingers club! well it would be if there was more of a crowd and less people just attending to drink and dance (that i am aware of). My night was one of pool, dancing and well actually that was about it. Needles to say, my clothes stayed on and nothing happened other than dancing for me.

40th: Spent the morning with family at Miss Mauds for a all ya'll can eat breakfast. Must admit it was a good morning for food :D .My best friend tried to get me 40 gifts for my birthday :) and i will admit she did a fantastic job of gathering little trinkets and stuff that brings joy instead of one huge gift. She's the best :)

Recent happenings: I got up to something a little out of character and giving into social expectations. I ... *gag* ... spent a few hours with a person of the male persuasion. Ok down and dirty time (turn away if your squeamish) ... in a moment of desperation i agreed for a "coffee" visit, yeah anyway one thing lead to another and the bedroom was the final destination, you can fill in what happened next. All i can say is this: Prince Albert is not a pretty piece of jewelery, its dangerous to the teeth. Yeah the whole experience wasn't what was expected and felt very clinical. Needless to day i won't be going back down that path anytime soon.

Being called for food :)

Mood: blah

  2009.12.21  23.36
Coming close to Xmas....

Well it's that time of year again, where you get slammed with ad's about couples, happy families and such. I should also mention it's the final couple weeks before i turn .... 40 Years Old! Lets just say that right now i am feeling very lost, un-wanted. Ok so the unwanted thing comes from my attempts to gain a girlfriend or even a date. So i have tried the Dating sites, i have tried going to the clubs and attending women only nights and i have also tried going to a swingers club to break a sexual inactivity drought i have been in since 2004.
I have found that with dating site they mainly only deal with straight couples, not a problem you think? well for me i wish to be honest from the start and mention my transsexual status up front so as to avoid major issues. With the sites, i mentioned my status and signed up as a female only to have one site delete the profile another give me nothing but matches with males (even though i said woman looking for woman) and those sites that do have the the option to mention your gender status they treat it as a fetish thing. In the past i have been told by a professional dating service that i should fix the gender issue first then go looking. What i don't get is how other transsexuals find dates, get married, have kids (before transition).
I'm approaching that mid way mark for normal life and i look back on a life that was more of a struggle than success just to get this far. Don't get me wrong i do have a list of achievements and such but i know that like most people failure always out shines your success in life. I can say "i'm alive" but so is millions of others in this world, I have no desire to end this thing called life, i just am at a loss as to how to make it better or get it back on track.

Ok i think i have rambled a bit there, if i am to make a new years resolution i will have to make it things like name change, continue transition to be the real me, try to find that elusive site that has someone that is interested in dating a pre-op transsexual like me.

Aged 39.99 years old.

Mood: blank

  2009.05.22  12.39
Hospital... (AKA. Missing one gallbladder)

Now that i am safely free from the confines of the hospital environment i can safely write about my experience.

2nd of may began like any other day where you have to go visit the endocrinologist (hormone doctor) where he proceeds to "check" the growth of breasts and shrinking of "male" parts. Shopping and such filled the rest of the day, so all in all a fun filled start to the two weeks off work i had booked.
Around 6pm the pain began, by 6am Sunday morning vomiting began and the pain was unbearable. Calling the health line (a 1800 number in Australia) was quite informative "GET TO HOSPITAL!", with information like that my ass was shuffled off to the emergency department of Royal Perth Hospital.

I think the trip in was a little faster than normal but then again if you were driving and your passenger was threatening to vomit wouldn't you speed? As usual they ask so many questions when you go to check in, stuff like "what medications you on, how bad is the pain, did you just vomit on the floor?" . I informed them of my Gender Dysphoria and Factor V Leiden and such, and with in less than 5 minutes i was out back and clambering onto a bed. Shortly after i was wheeled into a cubical and waiting to be examined, a nurse came in and was getting a gown ready for me to slip into, just then one of the ED (Emergency Department) Doctors came in and said "hello Ladies" maybe now is a good time to point out that i was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and no makeup. I admit the t-shirt was a bit on the fitted side and i felt like hell, don't matter the nurse knew anyway.

What followed is a but fuzzy due to some mighty fine pain killers and the ability to get some sleep, but i do remember a few questions about my gender status and a few nurses referring to me as "Lina" and "She", I will just say that i didn't mind what they called me just as long as the pain was taken care of.

By about 10pm that night I found myself in a Day Surgery Ward (4 beds total), by morning the room had two males and lil ol me. Being hooked up to an IV (Drip)made things like going to the toilet a bit difficult especially when it beeps and makes noise. I did have an elderly gentleman come into the toilet while i was washing my hands and apologize for coming into the ladies, only took him a second to check where he was well that and i did have about 3 days of facial fuzz (for me that is about 2mm of hair around the chin).

Tuesday night after one bounce back (trauma patients needed more urgent treatment) i was finally going to theater, well if you can picture this look a white gown, white knee high stockings, no makeup and no pearls! yeah it's not that pretty. Did i mention the gown was open back? Can you still see or did i just burn your eyes out? *evil laugh*.

Going under is not a scary feeling but it is a bit trippy at first, then it's almost like re-booting a computer, you have no clue what's going on until you sit up in the bed realize gravity still works and go crashing back into the pillow. So i woke up once in recovery and once again in a new ward (this time i got the window seat). When i woke up and stayed awake for a bit longer i felt pillows under my legs and an oxygen mask on, so much for the dream about being at work. I was in pain and feeling very drunk, so all in all a good time.

What followed was days of pain, torture and trying not to laugh. I was in pain, I tortured the Nursing staff every time they came to give me Heparin injections (3x a day). Yeah i admit i was a terror to the staff, but considering they had me at a disadvantage it was only fair. OK so i will come clean, the staff were fantastic to me, the ward itself was on the old side but it was clean, as for the food ... it's food if you didn't like it they had a cafe downstairs.

I spent about 14 days with a drain in my side (tubing with a vacuum bottle on the end), it drained out blood, goo and bile. The fact it was filling up over halfway every day or two was a sign that something wasn't right. It turns out that I had a bile leak. On the second Friday of my stay they performed what was called an ERCP, i'm still not sure what it means but it involved putting a camera down my throat, into my stomach and somehow getting access to the leak and plugging it. This surgery was a success and i no longer suffered from bile leaking into my abdomen and then into the bottle.

I can tell you that showering (try not to imagine this one) is a bit difficult with a tube running out of your side and to a bottle. If you hang the bottle up somewhere you run the risk of getting tangled up in the tube and you can't keep it on the ground, so i kept it hung up and tried to not turn around to much.

I can tell you that writing this has taken me most of the afternoon / evening due to the tenderness of the wound site. I'm currently sporting 4 small cuts and one big cut (about 12" long) on my abdomen, also i have a few "spots" well ok bruises. Heparin injections are bad about leaving bruises on the lower abdomen where it's injected. I should mention i played hard to get when it was heparin time, doing stuff like holding a pillow over my belly and pulling the sheets up over my head :)

Ok i give in now, i am going to lay down and post this puppy because i think the pain killers have taken ....affect.... oooo colours......

Mood: sore

  2009.01.15  23.24
Diary of the invisible...

Just a title for this entry not an ongoing deal, my ongoing deal is living life as a gender dysforic slightly crazed woman type individual.

I’m writing this just to get off my chest something that I may just be putting too much thought into. Looking back on my *mumble mumble* years of life I feel as if I was invisible to the world, with the exception of a select few. I read about the exploits or witness them and wonder when will it be my turn to be in the spotlight? When will I have that relationship? It’s too late for me to produce children, I gave up that chance to feeling like a human being (a choice well made I think). For my 38th birthday, by best friend and wonderful human being held a party early at her house only rule was to bring a $2 gift for me to open. She supplied the food and venue, people were invited and only a handful showed up, one even went as far as sending multiple messages of “yes”, “no”, yes”, “no”….needless to say that person didn’t show up.

Fast forward now to a few weeks ago, 3rd of January, again people invited to dinner, to celebrate my birthday, table booked for 9 (more available if required), people called and invited, family turned down the invite due to choice of food type (Mexican), couple friends also declined due to work commitments or lack of finance, so after all that seven people were penciled in as a coming or maybe. My buddy, her partner and her child picked me up for the event with the view that at least three more were coming. At the restaurant the four of us were seated at a table fit for nine, and we waited, waited some more, and waited. A few quick phone calls to the “alleged” attendees revealed that they all forgot, forgot to tell me they didn’t have enough money, and plain forgot what was happening. Guess who felt super? Oh and if that’s not bad enough, we get the table reduce to six seats then a large group floods in and guess what they are there for other than eating fine food? Someone is wearing an Ikea birthday cake hat. Yeah I slipped down lower, but to avoid upsetting anyone or causing a scene I was grateful for the company in front of me, my buddy, her partner and her child.

Since my birthday was a holiday from work, I thought things would be better once we went back. In the past if someone had a birthday, the staff organized a card and present for the lucky individual. My buddy brought in the cake she purchased for my birthday dinner (she forgot to bring it) and about lunch time we divvied up the cake, now this is when a present and card is usually pulled out and presented… well that was the 5th of January and it’s now the 15th and I am still waiting, ok so I’ve given up on the idea of work coming forth with anything. Last year a worker scored a job with the same company but in a different section, so he was leaving tribology, on the day he left, someone did a mad rush to get the card and we all chipped in and ordered pizza for lunch (as per his request). So once again I am invisible.

Today I found out at work that for the first two weeks of my starting, I was the talk of the town. Some people didn’t know if I was a boy or a girl, yet no one has come to me directly, oh well I’m not fussed about that one; I just think it’s funny.

Ok now I have rambled and bitched it’s time for this fat ass or lack off to hit the pillows for some much needed sleep!

Good night internet

Mood: bitchy

  2008.11.17  22.04
3 years on…

It’s approaching my 3 year anniversary of transition beginning, I can sum up the journey so far in a few short words …”Roller Coaster” . To date all I have achieved is mental stability, continued work and an updated wardrobe. On the down side, well it’s not really a down side and I am sure some people will see this as a down side and wonder why I’m taking so long but at the moment I am living at my mother’s house. Last time we spoke openly about my need to transition her response was less than desirable (we didn’t talk for a week) recently her response has been different, I haven’t told her directly or been in her face about it, simply put I need a place to live while I save up money.

I was thinking about all the things others have told me about this transition, they warned about the down falls and spoke openly about the joy of being accepted as the person they are meant to be, the odd one has spoken of their journey being started secretly because a relative noticed their feminine actions. They never mentioned the pain involved, the pain of growing breasts, the pain of male parts dying off, the emotional roller coaster ride experienced as the hormones take affect. Me, I'm on this journey at my own pace surviving each hurdle as they approach. Its been 3 years since taking that first hit of estrogen and finally knowing the male nightmare is drawing to a close, I think more support would be nice and a open/understanding mother umm oooo a speech therapist, beauty therapist wouldn't go astray :)

A girlfriend is something I have been without now for 4 years now, so if ya single and have read my journal then call me on 1800 Queen :)
I recently purchased a PDA, it's not a phone but it does loads of really sweet things... YES IM A GEEK! Just make sure your bluetooth is switched off on your phone and that your wireless connection is secured, why? Because anyone with a PDA can access them.

Oh and i still can't drink alcohol! it messes me up after a very small amount.

Mood: geeky

  2008.10.06  18.59
Sunday fun...

With new camera in hand I took the drive up to Kings Park on a Sunday of all days. I have one simple rule when it comes to photo's in public, "Don't shoot people you don't know". Do you know how fracking hard that is when you see wedding after fracking wedding? I don't know about most people but i love the look of a well made wedding dress :) {insert day dream here}. I did manage to shoot some nice landscapes and wild life ... awww nuts who the frack am i kidding i wanted to shoot me some pretties!!!! goram model release forms! I did find out the new camera with it's mighty powerful zoom function allowed me to take pictures of cars on the narrows bridge and almost be able to read their license plates from kings park! Lucky for them i didn't have the digital zoom on :) Did i mention the wedding dresses in kings park??? .... umm do you think i have a hang up or something on weddings?

I think maybe in the next few years i need to work on my "sneaky photo shooting" technique :)

Mood: cheerful

  2008.10.03  23.09
Current status…

It’s been a while since I update this or any journal of mine, so to bring the world up to speed I shall give a quick rundown of what’s been happening.
It’s been six months since quitting the old job that caused me to think I’m not worth anything to anyone. How dumb am I lasting six years in that job of no progress, the only real progress I made was letting the common world know I’m transsexual. Yep I did a lot of complaining and did very little to fix the situation, I even allowed someone into my rental house at the time thinking having someone else would help pay the rent, instead she skipped out and left me with the bill. Did I do anything about it… nope, I just sat back and switched off and tried my best to ignore the world. Work didn’t pay me regularly so once more I let it go and switched off further, at that point someone could of come in and crapped in my cornflakes and I wouldn’t of cared (thank my buddy for that line). Yeah so you can see that was a dead end way of life.
Six months ago I attended an interview with a company that my buddy was already working for, they thought I was over qualified for the position of lab assistant (no I wasn’t putting lipstick on monkeys) but I managed to convince them that I was in fact worthy, well as you saw in previous entries I got the job and I am pleased to say that I’m still working there. Yes there have been a few rough patches, but I keep trying to adjust my actions and bad habits to keep working. I am learning different things and doing a course while on the job, oh and I get the occasional compliment from people at work on my technique (insert evil laugh here).
It’s been a rocky six months, well rocky depending on your point of view. If you consider living in a bedroom of a house that belongs to the boyfriend of a friend and he feels closed in or just uncomfortable with your presence then yeah it was a bit rocky. On the upside it was a room in a house and I had a “paying job”.
I’m sure I have upset a few people with my silence and in ability to communicate my needs and what I was feeling. I had no car of my own, no home of my own and a very stressed best buddy. Now I still have no car, still have a paying job but I am living in the games room of my mother’s rental house listening to the advice my buddy is giving me and saving money for that essential car and own place to live.
My buddy has some very good wisdom that I have been thinking about, a lot. I have also had in the past couple weeks had someone (a drunk someone) proceed to tell me about all my failings but offer no path for fixing the failings; well if he did I was too upset at the time to listen. For now until I get back onto the path of a “normal” life I will listen to the wisdom of others, work my ass off and piece by piece get my existence back on track to a worthy life and not be a shadow of a human being.

In most cases the world is not your enemy … self is.


  2008.05.02  23.42
Guess what…

I know it’s been a while since I last updated this journal thingy. I do have a very good excuse, honest I do.
At first it was due to a downward slide I didn’t feel I was slipping into, the cause of this slide was due to having a job that didn’t pay well (or at all some weeks) and the fact the house I was living in was due to have a $50 per week rent increase!
It turned into simple maths, work not paying multiplied by rent increase equals lina not a happy girl type person.
At first I thought I could handle the stress of not being able to pay bills and such but since I’m not wonder woman or some other mythical creature with super magical powers, I kinda let myself slide into a state of mind reserved for people who have that mental fuse that just pops and they no longer can function as a member of normal society … you know politicians.
Needless to say I wasn’t in a happy place, I had a “job” that didn’t pay and I had accommodation that was about to become really expensive, something had to change.
My buddy works at a very big chemical analysis company and she heard or managed to get me an interview. :o

So packing up a house and now packing something else with anxiety I found myself wondering where I would live and if I get this new job would I be able to handle the position and what happens to my old job?

Guess what … I GOT THE JOB!

It’s been a while since I began to write this journal entry and I still haven’t posted it, so I shall fill you all in a bit more with my antics now I’m in the class of working people types. Lets see, oh I have dyed my hair and finally had it cut! Ok so my buddy trimmed it a little for me and she chose the colour, I like it and if anyone else doesn’t its tough bickies to them. If you want to see the new colour, my smug mug is online at myspace and facebook for all the world to see.

Work has been great but I come home feeling so worn out! Is this what it’s like working a real job? Yeah I sling the rubbish out and run tests on oil samples all day but I am loving it. I finally feel part of a team and not a misfit single person effort that everyone seems to think I own the place.

With the new job comes the ability to pay off debts and buy new things. I don’t think there is enough room to list all the new things I have purchased already but I can say that when you’re old hair dryer blows up in your hand it’s definitely time to buy a new one! So I now have a new PINK hair dryer. Oh I also have new PJ’s (pink also with stars). I can finally get my transition back on track also. Life is still topsy turvey at the moment but I’m working on it.

I’m loving having the weekends free!

Mood: calm

  2008.02.16  00.05
Valentines Day – 08

It’s upon us once more, that day every year rational thought goes out the door and romance fills the void. For me it’s just another day.
In the past I think I have only ever given out two valentines gifts, one to a girlfriend I had at the time and the other to my best friend (only because she is my buddy). I have never really been able to “find” someone to date, it’s usually been a case of they find me somehow and I end up going along with it because someone found me attractive enough to consider dating! Can’t remember if I mentioned this before but I know for a fact I am so not into boys, some of you may ask how do you know? Well if a male is about 2 inches away from your nipple and about to suck it and all you can think of is “YUCK” then that’s a pretty good indication. I like girls :) hehehe. I just can’t function like a genetic male when with a girl, its been four years since I umm you know and it still haunts me but I was lucky the woman I was with wasn’t a bitch or selfish :) she’s married now so I guess I didn’t turn her gay :p
I think the problem with me lays in the self esteem department, it’s documented that transsexuals have low self esteem to begin with, that would explain the psychiatrist bills we all have and why some become super bitches. I’ve even heard of some transsexuals thinking they are better than real women because they chose to change. Strange people :)

I was reading the new gay business guide and noticed there was only two ads relating to transgender (yes I know it’s the umbrella term) individuals, at first I felt a sense of this is unfair but then it changed to the real situation of “transsexuals are mythical creatures”, they exist but no one really knows how many exist. I was asked once if I knew another transsexual in my area, I had to reply no because the majority of transsexuals tend to keep quiet about their situation unless it’s beneficial or necessary to make it known. I guess that’s why there was only two ads referring to transgender individuals in this guide.

I need to desperately change jobs in the next couple weeks also, money isn’t flowing in as regular as I need and the levels of stress and worry have grown. It’s been over two years since I began transition, according to my original plan I was meant to be getting ready for my surgery this year to finally end the nightmare called male, but due to a few factors (some of which are in my control) I still live life 50/50. I still think I am on the right path; I still haven’t confronted one demon that’s been holding me back for a while now … my mother. A great weight lifted when I found out my sister knew, but still my mother remains the last emotional hurdle. I wish she read the copy of the journal I sent to my sister’s email, that way it could break the ice and provide some insight to how I have been really doing, I’m allowed to dream.

I think this Valentines Day; if you’re single you should do something special for yourself. Ok so this journal entry won’t be uploaded until Monday at the latest and I may even be sneaky enough to back date it, I still think if your single, female and into sci-fi and have an artistic flair, you need to contact me ASAP ;)

Mood: tired

  2008.01.19  00.02

It’s now 2008 and I am finally writing a journal entry. The title says fear, and over the past few days that’s what I have been dwelling on. What’s holding me back from moving forward in my transition? As much as I hate to say this my mother appears to be the “last” great hurdle holding me back. I want to tell her that this is something I must do in order to survive, this is a journey I have to complete not for others benefit but for my own personal sanity. I love my mother and respect her; after all she is the one to thank for nurturing that spark of life to bring my gender bent ass into this world. How the hell to I break the news to her that I am really female and not the boy she gave birth to? Sky writing perhaps? Oooo I know maybe a singing telegram done blues style …

wa wah wa wa
you had a little boy
wa wah wa wa
that little boy
wa wah wa wa
is really a girl
wa wah wa wa

‘Harmonica solo’”

Yeah as you can see I hide behind jokes to cover pain, I still think there was something in the clown makeup I used as a teenager! Maybe I should print off a copy of this journal for the past *mumble mumble mumble* years and simply ask her if she really wants to know what’s happening with me then read these pages before passing judgement.
I have 4 hurdles to overcome this year;
*facial hair
*Name change
*Mother knowing / accepting

I know what it’s like to go without oestrogen for an extended period of time now… it sucks! Due to budget restraints I haven’t always been able to afford to see the doctor and get the prescription refilled, so I had no other choice but to try to keep the ever so important medications flowing (warfarin). I think I spent about 3 weeks or maybe a couple more minus the oestrogen I needed and I did notice a few changes in personality and physical. The physical we won’t go into cause it’s just icky :p but the emotional, I did notice my mood had dropped due to the lack of hormones and my ability to cope also dropped. It’s funny how the little red pill that causes Neo to leave the matrix and wakes me up from the sleep of denial.

Mood: blank

  2007.12.30  00.45
Last entry for 07...

I can't believe another year is almost over. I look back on 07 and think i struggled through it and i have survived!
My journal is testament to my travels and i guess this entry should cover the last few days of 07 for me.

First i will just say this; I spent a couple days out of town (Yanchep, WA). The time was spent with a long time friend and her family, people who accepted i was a woman and didn't treat me different. They showed there is hope for the human race, ok so i wore a dress and no make-up all day :) I was told i had to pack a dress, so i did. We even went to the beach, terrified lil ol me of having at least one person say something negative, but nothing, no nasty words, no taunts from a distance... nothing. To paint the picture of what i had on, i wore a standard one piece lady's black swimsuit with a printed short sarong covering the lower half, no make-up but i did shave and it seemed that any sign of beard hair had faded due to hormones, so if people kept their distance and my hair was styled girly enough no one would have any reason to be negative :)
The people i was with said no one stared, i guess that means i pass yeah? oh well what ever the outcome i will still be nervous for a bit longer i think.

I flew back into Perth on thursday evening after spending some time with a long time male friend of mine who hasn't seen me in person as myself :). Him and his partner didn't treat me any different, well they knew and had seen photo's but nothing in person. They did refer to me as "he" a few times during the night, and i also ignored them a few times also or verbally corrected them about the situation :)

Saturday night my buddy held a party to celebrate my birthday, not as many people who were invited showed up. It was their loss because the food was really something special :) my buddy did a fab job on the cooking. I did get a couple nice gifts, and some sweet candy :D

Ok it's 1am ... i need my sleep, so if your reading this i say thank you very much and g'nite :)

Mood: cheerful

  2007.12.26  11.46
Xmas 07...

It's boxing day, i'm still in my jimmy jam's and i'm out of town. I'm currently staying in Yanchep so for people who are from here will know that Yanchep or any suburb 40 minutes north or south of Perth.

I have spent the past couple days away from home as such. I spent one night at my mothers (good thing I didn't paint my nail's) and christmas day there also. Apart from being referred to as being Unkie N... all day and "him" it was a good day of family and food. I did notice one thing, the Wiggles have a mighty fine deal with the children of the revolution errr i mean society :)
This little kid ended up with multiple Wiggles merchandise and one of which was a drum! I understand that if you give a child a toy with batteries you can silence the sucker by removing the batteries, but a DRUM you can't remove no freeking batteries because there is no batteries to be removed! Ear plugs for everyone else would of been a sweet gift :)

I didn't score on the female side from family but you kind of expect that when your "pretending" to be a boy :p. I did get an unexpected digital photo frame :) It's soo cool this thing, you can plug a USB or SD card into it and display movies, pictures and Noise on it, guess who is going to have some fun with that ;)

So now as i write this i'm enjoying 40.0 Degree C weather and soon to be munching some mighty fine food products :)

Oh i must say that i went to a Christmas Drinks at a friends house a couple weeks ago. I can honestly say with certainty that i'm am so not into males! or just the males that were present at this night :) but the girls ... *faints* they caused ummm *embarrassed smile* yeah we won't go there. I swear the only thing that happened was a little ice and tongue on the nipple :o
I know now the hormones have been doing their job in switching on all the good stuff :)
well that's all the feminine good stuff, i still don't feel comfty with the male region that seems to be in the south of my land mass called abdomen. I wonder if i should declare war?
I did see two guys come into the kitchen/dining area giving a Hitler style salute without using their arms! Hmm makes me wonder if the male region is infact Nazi and the rest of me is ....THE WORLD! :)

Delusional Transsexual Signing out for this boxing day.

Mood: cheerful

  2007.12.08  00.30

You know about Six Degree’s of separation? Does that work with this example?
I work a particular place, its open weekends as well as week days and on weekends other places around us are open also and draw a crowd (on a good weekend), now my buddy while at work always talks about me (I’m guessing I’m not the only topic of conversation but I am unique), during one of these conversations I’m guessing where I work came up and someone else mentioned they had a mate who worked in the same area and mentioned seeing a man/woman type individual walking around. Guess who? :)
Does this mean I’m famous or infamous?

Went for my usual blood test this week, and discovered a bit of information that I had no idea about before. If you puncture veins, it causes a build up of scar tissue in the area to basically repair the damage done by a needle, what you may not know is scar tissue FRACKEN HURTS when you try put a needle through it again. It hurt on the way in, it hurt while it was in and it hurt when it was on its way out also! I know the phlebotomist is experienced and good at her job because I’ve had her in the past, but this time oooo baby that needle felt like a 10’ long steel rod with rough sides going into my arm. Ok so I’m a girl, hello …hormones, breasts a bit of a dead giveaway there :)
Once the steel rod …err needle was out of my arm I did the usual hold the cotton ball there until she came to tape it down, except this time … we got a gusher! Apparently the bore hole left by the needle didn’t close up as rapidly as normal un-scared veins would, so there was a fair bit of bleeding, a surprised look on two faces and comments about what the results may be, I’m guessing I will get a phone call saying it’s high 2’s or low 3’s. To prove how good my regular phlebotomist is, there is no bruising even though she used a 10’ steel pole this time :) makes me feel lucky I don’t have to have my hormones injected at all.

Mood: curious

  2007.12.02  23.31

Weird title I know but after the weekend I had I am beginning to feel that transsexual is not a dirty word. Years ago and I’m sure many would agree, if you mentioned the word transsexual it usually was in reference to a mythical creature that only existed in the porn industry, comedy routines, or as someone else’s uncle or aunty and god forbid it ever turned out to be a member of your own family. I must admit I have been honest with the world and myself for about 10 years now and actually on hormones for the past two years, during that time I have endured cyber abuse (from chat rooms when someone found out about my physical nature), some verbal abuse but never any physical abuse related to my gender identity. There was that one incident where my ex-girlfriend was being attacked by her ex-boyfriend and I kind of stepped in and broke it up, I ended up with a cut above the eye but I did leave him with a lump in his throat after my knee paid a visit to his family jewels. I guess that doesn’t count as abuse because he didn’t know about my gender status. Over the past two years I haven’t had anyone say anything negative towards me, or maybe I should say towards me that I caught happening. That incident at the Mustang Bar was an isolated one and fueled by alcohol and a lack of better judgment by guys who didn’t realize they were out numbered by about 20 to 1 (Bar was full of Rockabilly dressed fans and of course lil ol me).

Now that I have justified to myself some past events and also allowed them to be read by others, I shall now go on about my really great weekend.

The day of Saturday was not only election time (Vote Jedi 1) but also that evening was a traditional American Tradition being held a couple days late for convenience. I was undecided on what to wear that evening, but as the day dragged on my plans of maybe slipping on the wig and makeup was beginning to fade, walking to the polling place to vote kind of sealed the fate of looking pretty for the evening and increased the level of jealousy I have towards women who can look pretty without makeup (my buddy is an example). Upon arriving home from the tedious task of voting, the sweat began rolling off me and it was due to wonderful air conditioning unit up on the roof that prevented me from going into a nuclear meltdown that would have taken out half of Perth. I think the hormones have altered me somehow; breasts are not really a side effect of estrogen I think :). In the time I had left before being picked up for the evenings get together, I made corn bread (yes I can cook now and then), showered and attempted to straighten my hair.
I hitched a ride with some good friends and with freshly baked corn bread in tow we arrived at the house, walking in I spotted familiar faces and a couple new ones. I felt butch until my best friend walked out in a simple dress and leggings then I knew I was butch. I had attempted to reduce my slowly disappearing masculinity by shaving more than just my face :) you know arms, legs and face. Most of the people at the thanks giving I had met at other events and once in a dark shadow but that’s another story ;)
To my amusement even a long time male friend referred to me as she!

Food was served, my corn bread was half slab shapes and half mini muffin shaped pieces, there was two types of potato salad, lamb, turkey, chicken, some mighty fine salad that appeared to have fruit mixed with lettuce, a baked bean dish, and other dishes to tempt anyone who should be dieting. It was at this moment I thought maybe a dress would have been a good option either that or a pair of eating pants :)
Desert followed and was a traditional thanks giving (I think) spread of Pumpkin pie, Sweet Potato pie and Pecan pie with a Tiramisu thrown in for good measure These people know my weakness!
During the night I had a few conversations with people I didn’t know before, one described how he had been on the Nullabor plain where there are no lights from the city’s to impede the view, he described the scene as being wrapped in a blanket of stars. If your unfamiliar with the stretch of land let me paint a quick picture for you … it’s flat from horizon to horizon :) heck it’s so flat you can actually see the curvature of the earth, now imagine being there at night and seeing nothing but stars clearly doing a full wrap around you. One these days I so want to experience that sight.
I also had the great pleasure to meet my buddies dance teacher and her husband, she mentioned that a member of her family (aunty I think) is actually transsexual :o (score one for the home team) So after speaking with them both for a while I came to the conclusion that these are fine people and there should be more of them on this planet, my buddy is of course in that group.
One thing that we all took part in was saying to the group what we give thanks for, some gave thanks for the joy their partner has brought them, some gave thanks for being part of a group and I gave thanks for medical science :) oh and that my buddy didn’t inherit her momma’s cooking gene ;) (Sorry buddy’s mom). Now that I look back at the evening I think a couple things, this thanks giving dinner should be a tradition for everyone to celebrate life in general or even at Christmas dinner / lunch people should give thanks verbally to family and friends and the other thing I thought was, I should of said thank you for my best friend for contacting me that first time and putting up with my dumb ass or is it me putting up with hers? No matter it’s text and I can say anything, until she reads this :) I had one person at the party thinking I was American, I don’t type American do I? I think he also thought I was a hippy style woman :) (yay)
Surrounded by good people with good food and well the alcohol was flowing but I couldn’t taste any *waaaaaaaaaaa* not fair, oh well I am happier with the long term effects of transition than the short term effects of sweet sweet alcohol.

I am beginning to see a common thread amongst transsexuals; self esteem is rocky and easily upset. A few wrong words and we fall to pieces and a few right words and we beam with pride.

Mood: calm

  2007.11.24  23.41

One thing I noticed about the literature I have read on being transsexual is that not many mention the pain you experience during transition. In a perfect world there would be some very sound psychological evaluation, through medical diagnosis (to make sure you can physically survive transition) and pop a pill and over night you have the body you were meant to be born into. Reality check! Since this world isn’t perfect, and there is no magical pill to fix all that ails ya you have to see the doctors, you have to take the pills and most of all you have to wait. It takes time for your body to adjust to the influx of new hormones; you pretty much have to go through puberty again. For me this round of puberty is not so much the easy male puberty where the only pain is wondering how to hide the sheets after a wet dream (oh wait I never had any). This puberty is painful, long but worth it. It’s been two years since I began the hormone leg of this journey and during that time my breasts have been the most painful part of it, they ache as they develop and they hurt when someone or something hit’s them. You quickly learn that a good bra is truly heaven sent and that your breasts are not fun toys to be played with while they are developing.
I’m yet to experience the pain of surgery, but I know from previous operations that it is going to hurt like a son of a motherless goat! I almost forgot the one little thing that hurts in it’s on special way, since I don’t feel comfortable about it I will just say one word and I’m sure most of you will understand when I say “Tucking” :)
Never use gaffa tape for tucking; it brings more than a tear to the eye.

I still suffer an emotional pain now and then, but anyone experiencing gender dysphoria will agree with me when they don’t see results or feel as pretty as they like it does hurt a bit.

Mood: blah

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